More Thoughts On Selecting An Egg Donor

By on March 31, 2008

After thinking more about this I had to go back 8 years and think about what I went through during my process. My knee-jerk reaction was to find a donor who looked just like me. A mirror image! By golly if I couldn’t use my eggs then my egg donor would be my twin.


That didn’t work for many different reasons. The first reason – genetics is a funny thing. Two people can mix their genes and the child in result will look like the milk man. Many families end up with children who look nothing like mom or dad. So it was no guarantee for me that even if I did find someone who was my mirror image that I’d end up with a child that resembled me.
The second reason – why did I want to replace myself? I don’t want to replace myself. So I had to not even “go there” in regards to that way of thinking.

So I did what many people do – I obsessed about selecting the right donor. And when I say obsessed, I mean I obsessed — I was like a dog with a bone.

I realized after much thought and yes obsession was that I needed someone I was drawn to, made a connection with on some level –Perhaps someone I felt familiar with, much like an old sweater (cheesy I know). I came to that conclusion by really reading many donor profiles. I also said to my doctor what things were important to me – like for instance height. I wanted a tall donor who had height in her family. I know that taller people have an easier time in this world. I also wanted a donor who had curly hair. I have had stick straight hair my entire life and I wanted a donor with really curly hair, last I wanted blue eyes. Don’t ask my why I have always wanted a child with blue eyes.

During this time I felt the need to rush things – I felt I was too old to have a baby. I needed to do it “now”! Finally a really good friend of mine said “You know you need to take the time to grieve the loss of your genetic link to your baby.” That was so hard to hear. I wanted to forge through and push those feelings out of the way and like Nike says JUST DO IT!

I finally got my head together and realized that this is a donor egg cycle, I can potentially wait until I am 50 do get pregnant, so at the age of 36 I took a step back and for the first time in my life stopped to not only smell the roses, but to breathe – and that this baby that my husband I were creating was going to be created out of love – and the child I was going to have – boy, or girl, short, or tall, artist, athlete, movie star, teacher, or what have you this child would be unique, loved, and mine.

So after much angst and teeth gnashing my doctor did a great job, he found a donor for me that he said could have fit into my family! She was tall, had curly hair, blue eyes, and he said she was a lovely young woman. After reading her profile he was right. I was drawn to her – she was quirky like me, funny, had a great sense of humor and seemed very kind. And most importantly she was healthy, and extraordinarily bright – and for us a perfect match.

The most important lesson I learned out of all of this entire experience that no matter what – no two people are alike. We are like finger prints, each different and unique in our own special way. So while I may have gotten to the point of frustration and head banging along the way, it was well worth it because our donor was truly unique like no other, and we placed great value on that.




Portland, OR

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March 2008
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